All the single ladies–it’s officially your day!! How it’s a thing, we don’t know, but we’re super down, and we’re here to tell you that being single is THE BEST. Except when it sucks. Like, so bad. Like, seriously the worst. Thanks to modern dating technology (and just life), navigating the world of romance solo can be fraught with all kinds of crazies enacting all kinds of horrors on your otherwise perfectly dope life. And while we understand that it kinda makes you want to stab yourself in the eye while it’s happening, ultimately, we ain’t mad ’cause terrible dates make for some unparalleled hilarity… once you’ve recovered from the trauma. We cruised around NGHQ and collected the best of the worst tales of dating woe for your “oh hell no”-affirming pleasure. Enjoy…
Associate Technical Designer
I had just started hanging out with this guy, and one night I was at his house watching a movie. At around 2am someone knocked on his door. He opened the door and this girl came in and hugged him. He politely side-stepped her and told her she was going to have to leave. (I’m pretty sure she was super drunk, or else just insane). We got up the next morning to go out for breakfast, and when we went to his car, she’d slashed all of his tires, keyed “fuck you” into his trunk, completely mangled his windshield wipers, and sawed his license plate in half (SAWED IT IN HALF!!! IT WAS CRAZY!!!). I was like WTF??
We took my car to breakfast.
Let me first start off by saying that I am far from being a shallow person, but like most individuals, I do have a preference in the women I find attractive. I’d been a member of OKCupid for only a month or so (before Tinder was cool), and like most newbies to dating apps, I spent nearly every free second perusing for babes. I happened to stumble upon a woman that immediately caught my attention and seemed to fit all of my “must-haves”: a great smile, rocker style, a decent job, etc.
I’d been talking to her for a week or so–the conversation was flowing, no awkward lulls, and I was genuinely starting to like her. After a few weeks of conversation and picture exchanging, we decided we should meet in person. I suggested this adorable sushi place in Hollywood. I figured sushi wasn’t too messy, not a huge chance of getting food in your teeth, and helloooo sake.
Fast forward to the day of. I was sitting outside the restaurant trying not to let my nerves get the best of me when this woman walks up with the biggest grin on her face. “Jess?! Omigod hi! How are you?! Finally we meet!” Wait a minute. It couldn’t be… could it? The woman standing in front of me looked NOTHING like the pictures she’d sent. I played it cool and hugged her as we sat down at a table by the window, but internally… I was freaking out. I wasn’t cat-fished, but this girl knew exactly how to photograph herself to seem way more attractive than she actually looked in person.
I gave myself a pep talk and tried to convince myself that at the end of the day, we’d had great conversation and I should give her a shot. After ordering a CRAZY amount of food for herself, she ordered us beers and proceeded to talk about herself for an hour while getting more and more drunk. She eventually asked if I would like anything else to drink or eat while she ordered herself two more salmon rolls.
I declined the food offer, but happily accepted the alcohol and ordered a sake bomb. I figured I might as well get drunk and be entertained by this nightmare of a date. When she finally got up to go to the bathroom, I texted my friend to come pick me up. Our waiter put the check on our table and we both sort of fidgeted. When I could tell she wasn’t going to pay for the meal (that was 90% her food and booze!!), I begrudgingly put down my card.
Afterwards while we were standing outside the restaurant, she asked what my plans were. I told her my friend was coming to pick me up and that I was planning to just go home. She seemed surprised, believe it or not, and when we said our goodbyes she went in for what I thought would be a hug–but she was so drunk that she leaned in, stumbled, and just kind of head-butted me!
The next day she’d blocked me on every form of social media and we never spoke again. I’m sure she was embarrassed by how drunk she got, or maybe she was equally uninterested? I’ll never know I guess!
Technical Product Manager
During my junior year of high school, I became really close with a girl I had known since my freshman year. We’d always had a good time hanging out, the chemistry was there, and we were extremely flirty with each other.
So one night I invited her over for dinner and a movie at my house. I whipped up some chicken cooked in white wine and a few other goodies (it was kind of a big deal TBH). We ate dinner and then watched one of my favorite movies, V for Vendetta. During the movie she said, “I’m cold… cuddle me and keep me warm!” So I grabbed a blanket and obliged. A few minutes later she reached over and locked her fingers in mine. All I could think was, “YES, this is the best night of my life!”
When the movie ended she turned to me teary-eyed, and smiling, said, “That was such a good movie, thanks for sharing it with me.” She stared into my eyes and the butterflies in my stomach were doing cartwheels. This was my chance! I leaned in for a kiss….
SWERVE! She dodged me so hard and said, “BRIAN! I’m sorry but I don’t see you that way–you’re like a brother to me!” #friendzone
To this day, I still don’t understand what the hell kind of brother she had in mind… and to this day, I still hate her.
A close friend asked me to take his sister out on a date; she had recently broken up with her boyfriend and had been really mopey about it. She lived with her brother (my friend), so it seemed like the logical thing to do I suppose: let me take her out for a movie and get her mind off old heartbreaks.
The first sign of a bad date is when you realize the person you are on a date with doesn’t realize she’s on a date with you. Very unpleasant feeling. I picked her up in a pretty nice outfit I must say, even for going to dinner and a movie–but she looked like she’d just gotten out of rehab, or jail or something–who wears sweatpants on a date?!
Something strange started happening during dinner. We went to my favorite sushi joint, where I was prepared to spend some real dough, hoping this might impress her (foolish, I know). After about the second round of sushi rolls, she started having these little fits of laughter–this while I was sharing a story about a bad breakup. I didn’t realize my personal hardships were stand-up comedy material, but according to her they were! Then she started playing with her food, and I swear to God–talking to it and laughing. I didn’t know if this was schizophrenia or what, so I just decided to laugh along with her, which made the whole thing weirder.
Later at the movies she started throwing her popcorn in the air proclaiming it was “snowing GMOs,” and then tried massaging the head of the balding man with the bad comb-over in the seat in front of us. At this point I got her crazy ass out of the theater and decided the date was over.
While we were walking home, I thought taking a shortcut through the park would maybe calm her down. Suddenly, she claimed there was a mermaid stuck in one of the trees, ran up to it, and climbed it about as fast as a cat, I swear. Of course, ’cause this was the best date ever, she refused to come down. This went on for some time before she told me she couldn’t get down and that she’d eaten some magic mushrooms a few hours prior to our little excursion. This explained some things.
Long story short, I had to call the fire department to get her out of the damn tree! Watching the firemen hoist the ladder up to her perch in this random tree was surreal, and I felt like I’d stumbled upon some rare feral woman creature who was in need of rescue. In hindsight, I suppose this was the truth.
Needless to say, we did not have another date.
Associate Art Producer
DISCLAIMER: I was 21 and had no idea what I was doing.
I got asked out on a date by a really nice, shaggy-haired, mutton-chop having Motorhead enthusiast at Rainbow Room when I was out with friends, and went out with him the following week. He took me to Gold Room in Echo Park and immediately ordered a whiskey neat. I drink whiskey neat as well, so obviously I was like: lurv.
That didn’t last long though. Shit got questionable when he took me to his truck, and that whiskey neat turned into huge swigs from a Costco-sized bottle of Jack that was in his car. I figured he must drink like that all the time and had the situation handled, so I didn’t say anything when he insisted on driving us to another party. (Kids: DO NOT do this at home. Or not at home. Just–don’t ever do this.)
When we showed up to this party, he ordered another drink and suddenly got weirdly handsy and aggressive. Like he wanted an angry make-out sesh or something. A couple of my friends happened to be at the party, and when I tried to get one of them to rescue me, duder got pissed and dragged my friend outside to fight him!!
Long story short: the rescue got thwarted. He drove me home, kicked me out of his truck, and then proceeded to smash into three parked cars.
WORST. DATE. EVER.
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