Alexi Wasser Schools Us on Sex, Marriage, & Everything in Between

Her brutally honest advice will make you feel like a bonafide badass.

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Alexi Wasser is best friend material. If not for her endless supply of useful, unfiltered advice, then definitely for her ability to diffuse any situation with infectious laughter and contagious candor (soon after meeting on set, she told me I looked straight out of a Woody Allen movie. Swoon.) The writer-slash-actress-slash-comedian-slash-podcast host recently sat down with Sophia for #Girlboss Radio to talk about her early days blogging openly about her love life, putting stickers on the Vice Magazines splayed out at American Apparel to promote herself, and becoming a mentor to her readers when they need help handling the hard stuff. Following suit, we asked our followers and fellow Nasty Gal employees to send in their hard questions, secretly hoping that some of her irreverent savvy would rub off on us in the process (TBD). Whether you’re single, in a relationship, or don’t even know what you are ’cause “it’s complicated,” scroll down for some guidance that’s neither shitty nor sugarcoated.

How do you navigate the bill at the end of a date without being super awkward? – Devan

The whole expectation that the guy’s supposed to pay is from a bygone era that shouldn’t still exist, but I completely subscribe to it like a MONSTER. The issue of paying for a date—at least a first date—is a real thing women talk about when men can’t hear them, because women (some, not all. Relax.) want to feel dominated in their personal life somehow and money is a power thing. While I am totally feminist, I pray to god that I am not hurting the cause when I say, can’t the guy pay for the first goddamn date! Is that too much to ask? It’s completely unfair, but because I work so hard and am so independent in every aspect of my life, when it comes to dating, I like to feel a bit old school and romanced. [Women] age differently and are judged harsher. We make babies and aren’t paid equally career-wise. And we are judged if we are sexual beings and if we are not. Ours is more a responsibility when it comes to the care a child requires. It’s A LOT. Can’t the dude pay for the first date? It doesn’t mean we’re gonna give you a blow job, but we are taking a chance on you and trusting that you won’t murder us! Isn’t that enough? Plus, we might sex you! We might love you! We might be your future wife or baby mama! It’s all very confusing and every woman has to do what she feels is right for her. Whatever you decide—dutch, he pays, you pay, whatever—it doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist. And if push comes to shove, when the check comes, reach for your purse in SUPER slow motion and pray he takes his credit card out first. If he doesn’t, run! Or you can always do what I do: when the check comes, just casually say, ‘Do you need my credit card to split it? ‘Cause I really don’t want to do that.’

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What advice would you give to women who are really trying to get hitched but aren’t having any luck? – Laura

While I totally get the desire to want to be loved and have someone want to lock you down, it’s not a race, there’s no one way, and it’s even okay to never get married. Isn’t the important thing to find a person you love being with who makes you happy and vice versa? Even more important is finding out who you are, what makes you happy work-wise and romantically-speaking. Throw yourself into the world, date, meet new people, have new experiences, and continue to learn as much as possible so you’re a fully realized person, which is one of the most attractive things ever. And when you’re confident in yourself and have a full life, you’ll be endlessly more attractive to someone and more likely to meet someone who is on the same level, because I believe we invite people into our life who mirror where we are. And you don’t want to be coming from a desperate place.

“Learn as much as possible so you’re a fully realized person, which is one of the most attractive things ever.”

How do you know if he’s a fuckboi? – Melissa

You almost have to eliminate that question from your mind and just try to be secure that if he DOES turn out to be a fuckboi, your life will go on. Obsessing over whether he is or isn’t will be counterproductive. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, like jealousy. Re-frame your thinking into, ‘How can I learn to be better at loving someone?’ That’s the best way to look at these things—how can I be more generous, kind, thoughtful, open. When you can do that, you’ll find a great partner. And don’t be afraid. Fear is a very dangerous and negative emotion. It causes us to make poor decisions. Plus, I feel like all these labels—like fuckboi or slut or whatever—are lame because people are different with different people. You just have to go by your instincts and how you feel when you’re with someone, see how they treat you, and let it happen. If it’s good, it’s good and if it’s not, it’s not. At which point, you’ll just have to be honest with yourself about not getting what you want, and be strong enough to walk away.

How do you justify your relationships if all you ever do is meet a person, fall in love, and then fall back out of it? So much investment goes into knowing someone better than anyone else and then forgetting them. I’m in my first relationship nearing three months and I’m terrified of the four-letter word. – Raymond

Just because it didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t special or great or important. And hopefully you learn something about yourself from every relationship you have. Always think about what you’ve learned from the person and experience. It helps you refine what you want for yourself and what you don’t, what works for you and what doesn’t.

If you have sex for the first time and it’s bad, is that a deal breaker? – Shana

No, don’t worry. It can get better with more intimacy or just practice or whatever. Plus, a million things could get in the way of the first time: nerves or just the circumstance of what’s going on around you.

What are your tips for navigating online dating and apps? – Skyler

Oh man, I prefer meeting people IRL. However, dating apps are the future and essentially just another way to meet people who exist IRL. Unless you’re talking to a bot. I def think you can get a sense of someone from their pics and the way they message with you. If you don’t respond quickly and they get passive aggressive, don’t meet them! They hate women or are murderers. I say, only message with, give your phone number to, and meet up with people you’re super excited about. Otherwise dating apps become a full-time job and a never-ending inbox of text chains you feel obligated to answer (which you AREN’T, BTW). Avoid photos of you drinking alcohol, with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, or just someone hot of the gender you are attracted to—that reads as insecure. Avoid photos of you in a fedora, DJing, or with your cat, and you’re golden. I think dating apps are always easier for women than men. Trust your gut instincts about whoever it is your chatting with and never have someone pick you up at your house. Meet them there! In a public place, not THEIR place! I recommend Bumble. All my girlfriends seem to like that one because the women initiate and it takes away the weird stigma that the men should because, turns out, a lot of great guys are shy!

What do you do if he’s too big or small down there? – Penelope

Too big: yikes, that’s exciting/terrifying. I had this problem with a guy once and I broke up with him. But that was ’cause he was more into video games and strippers than me. Too small: hmm. Is he good with his tongue? I hope so, for your sake.

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What would you say to women who feel pressured to get married and have kids by a certain age? – Helen

Relax! I understand not wanting to miss your chance to have kids, but hopefully you can afford freezing your eggs or freezing embryos and talking to a fertility specialist. But you can also adopt! Don’t fall for the hype, it’s okay to be single. Or in a committed relationship. There is no RIGHT TIME to get married. It’s different for everybody. There is no one way or right way. And statistics show that marriages are more successful the later they happen in life and that children born out of these marriages tend to be more successful in their own lives. And if you never get married or have kids, that’s ok too!

What advice do you have for girls who aren’t good at flirting? – Tori

All you have to do is make eye contact, smile, and hold the other person’s gaze for a few seconds. Then look away, say hello, and have confidence that you are enough, you are great, you too are worthy of love and allowed to exist, and someone would be lucky to fuck you! Er…I mean, date you.

For more Alexi, check out her new podcast Love, Alexi on the Nerdist Network, available on iTunes.