The Perfect Retox in 5 Easy Steps

Focus on your hustle, not a cleanse. Now pass the wine.

Guys, cleanses suck. I guess we get that “getting back on track” and “removing the toxins or something?” after the cheese-and-wine-and-frosted shit you got intimate with over the holidays is a thing–but at the same time, who the fuck cares? I’m on a cleanse right now, and I spent 20 minutes Googling pictures of breakfast sandwiches the other morning. I left a bar early last weekend–a bar full of cute boys–because my  body didn’t contain enough calories to sustain standing up past 11:18pm. I am starting to have erotic dreams about wine. The real lesson here? Depravity sucks, and food is the best. To celebrate that important life fact, we’re instituting a retox. Effective: immediately. Follow along!

Remember Pizza

PIZZA, WE HAVE NOT FORSAKEN YOU. In fact, the Nasty Gal Pizza Cleanse is the only acceptable and clinically proven way to get back to living your best life. And if you don’t live in Los Angeles, remember that Domino’s* has delicious cheesy bread and locations worldwide.

*this message is not paid for by Domino’s Pizza and reflects the hunger/point of view of the author only.

Get Back on Tinder

A cleanse of the iCal is always more necessary than a cleanse of the bod. But sitting on your ass dateless in January isn’t as much fun as getting dressed up and feeling cute about it. It’s time to reload that app and swipe your way to a maybe-bad date with a health bro… or a great one with someone whose hustle actually matches yours. Who knows, life is full of surprises.

WINE

REPEAT AS NEEDED.

Binge Watch Something

The pope is young now. Catch up on the OA on Netflix so you can get angry at your TV. Let Bob Ross take you on a journey through some happy clouds. Reclining on your couch/bed/floor enjoying television’s golden age is just about the most self-indulgent thing you can do–not the mention the best recipe for me-time.

Pull an All-Nighter

Grab a girlfriend. Go outside. Maybe to a party, or a bar, or a show. Stay up super late. Fuel up on Domino’s. It’s a lot more fun than leaving a bar early because your cleanse is making you boring AF. Trust me, I’m older and (probably?) wiser.

PS – The only thing you ever need to detox is your closet. We can help.