April ’17 Horoscope

Hey, karma can be a bitch–and this month she’s coming to collect.  Supreme space witch Remy Ramirez tells you how to deal.

We’re back at it again. Straight from the center of the Nasty Galaxy, supreme space witch, Remy Ramirez, is spillin’ the secrets of the cosmos…


What’s up, birthday Ram? Spring is in the air, and the cosmos are abuzz in a real way with retrogrades, squares–all kinds of crazy shit. You’re starting out April in the first house, so this month is going to be about doing you, going big, and getting unforgettable for all the birthday mayhem. It’s fun times that first week, so work those selfies. I wish I could tell you it’s all body shots and birthday hats, but the truth is you’re gonna need to call on that notorious Aries spunk to get through the wild cosmic wave that lasts most of the month. We start off with another M.F.-ing Mercury retrograde on the 9th. This’ll generally complicate communication, confuse plans, and fuck up your electronics. To add to it, Mercury will dip out of Taurus and jump into Aries (yes you) on the 20th. From that day through the end of the month you’ll be especially vulnerable to its effects, so make sure you use diplomatic communication, avoid signing contracts, just say no to buying things that plug in or use gas, lock yourself in a bunker, etc. To keep things interesting, Venus will stay in Aries IN RETROGRADE through the 7th, bringing all kinds of past romance to the forefront–first loves and fuckboys alike. The idea here is to heal and move on, so whatever you need to do to make that happen, go for it (read: don’t text them back unless you’re 100 that it will heal an old wound and set you up for bigger and better things). This cosmic phenomena will also hand you a karmic bill for any previous stunts you may have pulled in the romance department, so be ready to settle up. From the 8th to the 28th, Saturn retrograde squares Venus retrograde–a doozy of an astrological showdown that will hand us all karmic lessons around love/romance and money/career, and require infinite patience, optimism, and focus on the big picture. While it may all sound like a Britney ’07 moment in concentrated form, the overall goal is to remind us how strong and resourceful we really are, and to free of us of anything from our past that prevents us from kicking all the asses and taking all the names. It’s less of a party and more of a fat dose of nasty tasting medicine that’ll keep you from karmic illness in the future. Kind of the ultimate birthday present if you ask me.


Say hello to spring, Bull Babe! You kick off the new season transiting the v mysterious house of secrets, seclusion, and what’s referred to in woo woo speak as “the shadow self,” the parts of ourselves we don’t accept or allow others to see. Self-acceptance is one of those lessons the cosmos will never let up on, so you might as well take this time to look at how jealousy, fear, and playing small show up in your life so that they can stop showing up in your life (I know, not the springiest intro to spring, but believe me, well worth the effort). To help you make a breakthrough in this department, Mercury will retrograde in Taurus (making its effects extra potent for you) from the 9th through the 20th. Mercury retrograde is often associated with a variety of wack goings on (communication meltdowns, electronic failures, deceptive contract agreements, general awfulness–def be on the lookout for these ’cause they may well rear their heads), but we rarely talk about the upside. Mercury retrograde can also shed light on the ways our habitual thought patterns are preventing us from being as dope as possible, and encourage us to evolve. This evolution doesn’t happen by default though–it requires conscious effort. Luckily, you’ll have help there, too, with Mars in Taurus all month till April 22nd. This will give that drive you bulls are known for some extra oomph, both in general (great time to get shit done) and in taking decisive action to course correct toward your dopest self (this, this, and these will also help out with that, just stayin’). Another cray aspect this month: From the 8th to the 28th, Saturn retrograde squares Venus retrograde, which will require us all to settle old debts around love and money (all this while you’re in the house of secrets! Watch out for some scandalous telenovela-level happenings). I know it sounds like a bit of a shit storm, but it’s actually the way the cosmos help us make a clean break with our pasts so we can really move on. On that note, a Taurus new moon on the 26th will allow you to plant new seeds. Take that day to make a visualization board or list: What kind of life do you want to live? What kind of contributions do you want to make to this world? Write it all down, Earth Sister, and let the Universe usher in the goods.


Welcome to April, Gem Babe! You get the month started with a transit through the house of friends and aspirations. It’s crew time, so get up, get out, and get some with your girls–and while you’re there, come up with ways you can help each other get where you’re goin’. As they say: It’s not what you know, it’s who you and all your homies know, so help them out and let them help you, too. Assuming, that is, that you can all survive Mercury retrograde without any blow ups. It starts the 9th and lasts the whole month, so be on top of your diplomacy game to avoid miscommunications with your team (and avoid signing contracts and buying electronics while you’re at it–all big Mercury retrograde faux pas). On April 23rd, Mars will scoot into Gem territory, squaring with Venus till the 28th. This will create tension and upheaval in the relationship/romance department (and let’s not forget about that Mercury retrograde that’ll also be causing drama). In other words: Be on your best behavior, try not to piss anyone off, and toward the end of the month especially, it’s best to leave your boos alone till all the cosmic chaos subsides. Speaking of, there’s one final star scandal you need to know about, and that’s a juicy Saturn retrograde squaring Venus retrograde from the 8th to the 28th. Shit’s fucked, y’all, so lemme give it to you straight: This is a time when all past karmic debts around love and money come a callin’, Pied Piper style. The karma doesn’t even have to be from this lifetime; it could be from previous lifetimes as well (if you’re into that kind of thing). My advice? Whatever comes atcha, take a deep breath, and handle it like a pro. When you show the Universe that you’re willing to be held accountable and that you’ll do your part to mend the situation with love and integrity, the cosmic debt gets paid, and you can leave that karma firmly in the past. It’s not all open bars and after parties, but it’s necessary for growth. And if it starts to feel like you’d rather just walk off the edge of the Grand Canyon, remember that on the other side of all this madness is summer, aka a string of pool parties as far as the eye can see.


Forget the status update–it’s time for a status upgrade, Crab Mama. You’re transiting the house of career, status, and reputation, and that means you’ll be taking center stage at work. This is a house of fame and notoriety, so you’ll need to ditch that shy Cancer demeanor and channel your inner Madonna (this, that, and these might help you out on that front). The sun will trine Saturn through the 20th, and that will also shoot you over career-advancing vibes. These are auspicious placements, but they’re tempered by some gnarly cosmic upsets. First off, we have another Mercury retrograde (UGH) starting on the 9th and lasting the whole month. Be extra careful to keep communication diplomatic (especially at work–definitely don’t want to get famous for being an a-hole to your boss). Also make sure you don’t sign contracts or buy new electronics till after May 3rd–Mercury rules these areas, too. Venus is also retrograding through the 15th, so it’s best to leave Tinder alone during those couple of weeks. Also make sure you don’t drunk sext any exes–this energy wants you to heal past romance wounds, not reopen them! And since we’re on the topic, it’s best not to mess with romance for the entire month if at all possible because Saturn in retrograde will square Venus in retrograde from the 8th to the 28th. This is a super intense cosmic showdown, and you’ll get a little extra dose because Venus will be stationed in Pisces, your water sister. What to expect? Hard lessons around love and money, and cosmic karma from this life and past lives in those two arenas… during a Mercury retrograde. Yikes. But before you despair, here’s a little pep talk: This may suck, but avoiding it, trying to mitigate it, or pretending like you’re not affected are all ways of ensuring that you’ll have to deal with an even more dire version somewhere down the line. So no shell-retracting, Crab Babe. Be brave, deal with the issues head on, and if it feels overwhelming, give yourself down time (baths are great, for example) along with lots and lots of chocolate.


You’re circling the house of higher mindedness this month, Ms. Lioness, and it’s great territory for your freedom-loving fire! This house is about seeing the world, opening your mind, and taking on higher learning (grad school, reiki classes, etc.). Now is a great time to plan that trip to Europe or Asia you’ve been dreaming of (and don’t forget to add this, these, and that to your check list–thank me later). Saturn will trine the Sun after the 19th, which will give us all a bit of a boost in making our dreams a reality–especially you, since Saturn will be in Sagittarius, your fire sister. It’s not all pristine beaches and Tindering your way through Italy though. Everyone’s plans get supes effed with another Mercury retrograde starting the 9th and lasting throughout April. If you’re going to book a trip, I’d do it before the 9th so you don’t risk any classic Mercury retrograde meltdowns (and while you’re at it, be extra mindful to communicate diplomatically, not sign contracts, and avoid buying electronics–you know the drill). As if one retrograde weren’t enough, Venus will also be retrograding in Aries till the 8th, and since Aries is also a fire sister of yours, you’ll feel those wonky effects more intensely as well. This will be especially true if you have any overseas lovers, but in general, it’s not a great time for you to be dabbling in romance (a note, since it may well come up for you: working through unresolved issues with exes is ok, werking your magic with exes is not–keep it platonic!). From the 15th to the 28th, Venus will cruise through your house of sex (there’s a house for that, girl), so get your bodycon ready. A major word of warning here: from the 8th to the 28th, Saturn in retrograde squares Venus in retrograde, and it’s basically a cosmic shit storm. Any karmic debts you have around love and/or money will show up like whoa, and again, since you share that fire element with Sagittarius (where Saturn will be), it’s gonna be a slightly harder spanking for you. Luckily, you Leos are known for being brave and bighearted, and that’s exactly what it’s going to take to weather this. Take responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made (none of that Lion pride!), and move on, leaving the past in the past once and for all.


Face down, ass up, that’s the way we like to cruise through the 8th house, Virgo! This house is about sex and sex appeal, so get your bodycons, sheer maxis, and fringed heels ready to go. Beyond smoldering passion, the 8th house also oversees death and rebirth, astro-speak for personal transformation: ending a phase or way of being and embarking on a new one. And with Mercury, ruler of the mind, in retrograde from the 9th into May, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to look honestly at how your thought patterns have kept you from achieving Bey levels of accomplishment, professionally and personally. (Side note: Mercury retrograde is also notorious for causing communication breakdowns, effing up any new electronic purchases, and wreaking havoc on contract-bound agreements, so be careful with your words, and avoid those last two till after May 3rd). Venus will continue to retrograde through the 15th, which can bring old flames out of the woodwork and uncover wounds around your great loves. As if that weren’t enough to make you lock yourself in a candlelit room with Morrissey on repeat, one of the greatest of all cosmic shit storms–Saturn in retrograde square Venus in retrograde–will touch down the 8th and last through the 28th. I’m not gonna sugarcoat this for you–it’s fucked. Saturn, planet of discipline, tough love, and money matters butts heads with Venus, planet of love, beauty, and relationships. The retrograde aspect will put the focus on the past, and the combination will result in a cosmic collections agency sending you a fat bill for any karmic debt you’ve incurred around love and money, all while Mercury retrogrades. There is a reason for all this: Once you pay what you owe and learn from the experience, you’ll be able to move on without ever having to mess with this karma again (unless you don’t handle the situation with integrity, in which case it’s only a matter of time). Since you’ll be in the 8th house’s metamorphosis process, examining your sexuality, and studying your thoughts, you may feel the growing pains even more. But that only means you’ll reap the benefits even more as well, Earth Mama, so be brave, be accountable, and when in doubt: chocolate.


Partner up, Libra! You’re transiting the house of partnerships and commitment this month, which is to Libras as stilettos (and capes and  polka dots) are to RuPaul. Libras are ruled by Venus, lover of love and relationships. Unlike signs like Virgo or Capricorn that need plenty of solitude, Libra thrives in pairs, both professionally and personally–and this placement could offer up a longstanding partnership in either of these arenas (anything from a professional mentor to getting bae on lock). But before you go frolicking off into the land of two’s company, a word of warning: Mercury retrograde will be paying us all a visit from the 9th into May, and bringing its usual mayhem with it: mechanical breakdowns (don’t buy new electronics!), agreements gone awry (don’t sign contracts!), and yes, communication breakdowns with pals and partners. Make sure you turn that Libra diplomacy on full blast to avoid any major blow ups. Another funky aspect this month: Venus will be in retrograde through the 15th, sending us backwards into past loves and heartaches, and making exes crawl out of whatever holes they should just go back to. To make matters even more cray, we have the mother of cosmic upsets from the 8th to the 28th: Venus square Saturn in retrograde (dun dun DUN!). It’s like the cosmos have kept a running tab on all the weird, messy karma you’ve incurred in the areas of love and money, and now it’s payback time. This, combined with Mercury retrograde, is truly a bummer, and we will all feel the effects. But you, Air Sister, have one thing no other sign has to help you through the mess: Jupiter, planet of good fortune and fun, is hanging out in Libra, and though it’s also retrograding, it will still help mitigate all those other gnarly effects. Jupiter will also be conjunct a full moon in Libra on the 11th, and this will really help send some positive star vibrations your way and enable you to make headway in the projects you’ve been working on. I’m not saying you’ll get off free, but it should definitely help. And if not, Hulu now streams The Golden Girls. You’re welcome.


You’re transiting the house of work this month, Scorp Sister, and that means your laser vision will kick into high gear. More than any other sign, you have an astonishing ability to focus solely on what you want and never let up till it’s yours, and that’s just as true in work as anywhere else. With other signs, I might call this workaholism and caution you about the effects it could have on your health (the other aspect of this house), but Scorpio energy is actually healthier when it has something to fix its attention on. So as long as it doesn’t become a creepy obsession, I say indulge whatever work-related fixation surfaces (or you can just fixate on these, this, and that–we won’t judge). To help you at work, the Sun will trine Saturn through the 20th, making goal achievement that much easier. Give it all ya got on that front, ’cause that’s where the good news ends. Mercury retrograde will begin April 9th and take us through the rest of the month, so be prepared for its usual mischief (e.g. don’t buy electronics, don’t sign contracts, and think twice before you open your mouth–diplomacy is key during this transit). Get ready ’cause this is only one of three–Venus will also retrograde the first half of the month, bringing our attention to past loves and heartbreaks. This is especially dangerous for you, Scorpio, as that tendency toward fixation can really kick in when it comes to romance, often making moving on super hard for you. To make matters even more intense, there’s a third: Saturn in retrograde will square Venus from the 8th to the 28th. This is the mother of all astrological standoffs, and it will dole out karmic lessons around love/romance and money/career–the latter being particularly pertinent, since you’ll already be cruising the house of work. Any unpaid debts or unlearned lessons will relentlessly rear their heads, and no one is immune. Luckily, you Scorpios are better equipped to handle this kind of cosmo-drama than any other sign. Draw on the emotional fearlessness you’re known for, and focus on the positive: If you can work through this and absorb the lesson, you won’t have to deal with it again. Amen to that.


What a long, strange trip it’s going to be, Archer Babes! You start out the month cruising through the house of pleasure, fun, and creativity. You Jupiter-ruled gals LOVE this house! This is a great time to let go and enjoy life, and attend to any creative pursuits you’ve had your eye on (painting in the park, tango lessons–all those things we mentally put off till retirement). Soak it up as long as possible because as Prince told us in his great wisdom, “Parties weren’t meant to last.” From the 9th into May, we get another Mercury retrograde, bringing its customary lameness (you know the drill: don’t sign contracts, don’t buy mechanics/electronics, and don’t indulge that Sagittarius knack for #nofilter-ing everything that comes out of your mouth–diplomacy is key during this time). Speaking of retrogrades, Venus will continue to retrograde through mid-April, turning our attention to past loves and the wounds those relationships caused. The idea is to give us a chance to heal through introspection and/or healthy communication with past lovers–not to jump in bed with exes! Exercise that will power, Sag Sister, and you’ll come out stronger for it. As if two retrogrades weren’t enough, Saturn, who’s been taking his sweet time in Sagittarius for a while now, goes retrograde from the 6th through most of August. Womp womp. Saturn is the planet of discipline, hard lessons, and money. Because he’s in your sign, you’ll feel these effects stronger than other signs. But wait, there’s more! From the 8th to the 28th, Saturn in retrograde squares Venus, who’ll also be retrograding for part of that time. UGH! Straight up–this is like a Lindsey Lohan ’06 moment in cosmic form: a damn mess, where cold-as-ice Saturn butts heads with Venus, planet of love and relationships. The retrograde aspect will put the focus on the past, and the combination will result in a cosmic collections agency sending a fat bill for any karmic debt you have around love and money, all while Mercury retrogrades. And again, Saturn being in your sign is not going to do you any favors. What to do? Handle that shit Pam Grier style. Anything that comes flying at you, take it on–don’t avoid it or eschew responsibility. Once you’ve shown the Universe you’re willing to be held accountable and learn your lesson, it’ll stop throwing the lesson at you. And if all else fails, retail therapy is a legitimate course of action (we suggest that, these, and this beauty right here, but ya know, you do you).


You start the month off cruising through a v Cap-friendly house, the house of home and stability. This is about order, consistency, and laying down roots–all things you Goat Babes love. It’s a great time to focus on establishing yourself in a permanent pad, city, or routine. The Sun trines Saturn through the 20th, which will increase these stabilizing effects (as will these). But don’t get too comfortable (or do); the antithesis to all things orderly, Mercury retrograde, is coming atcha on the 9th and will last into May. Not only will it throw a wrench in the serene environment vibes you have going on the first week of the month, it’ll also introduce some upsets all its own (avoid these as best you can by not signing contracts, buying electronics, or mouthing off–communication is especially problematic at this time, and diplomacy is everything). Because Mercury will be in Taurus, your Earth sister, you may well feel these effects more than others. To add to this seismic wave is a Venus retrograde that will last through the 15th. It will bring up all kinds of messy emotions and force you to look backwards at past loves and heartaches (and don’t be surprised if a few of those past loves try to slip into your DM either–to which I say: If they liked it then they shoulda put a ring on it). So far we have two retrogrades in the same month, which in itself is enough to make you grounded Earth Babes wanna commit yourself to a sensory deprivation chamber, but unfortunately there’s more. Saturn is also retrograding, which sucks, tbh. Not just that, it’s squaring Venus (also in retrograde, remember?) from the 8th to the 28th. This is the mother of all cosmic showdowns: Saturn, planet of discipline, tough love, and money matters butts heads with Venus, planet of love, beauty, and relationships. The retrograde aspect will put the focus on the past, and the combination will result in a cosmic collections agency sending you a fat bill for any karmic debt you have around love and money, all while Mercury retrogrades. There is a reason for all this: Once you accept responsibility and learn from the experience, you’ll be able to move on without ever having to mess with this karma again. The key is to be tough but open, Cap Mama, and to enter May with a clean slate. Or ya know, to wear this everywhere you go.


Hey hey Aqua Mama! You’re circling the house of communication, and nothing makes you happier (except maybe this. Or this. Actually, this is the one). You’re full of good ideas, and chatting about them only gets your wheels spinning, so get out there and get talkin’. But only for, like, a week, ’cause on the 9th Mercury retrograde sweeps in and wreaks its usual havoc. In addition to making electronics go haywire (don’t buy any!) and contracts deceptive (don’t sign any!), it can also spur all kinds of communication breakdowns. This is even more true for you because you’ll be in the house of communication, so keep the chatter diplomatic, whatever you do (ixnay on the political conversations, tempted as you may be). To add to this, Venus is retrograding through the 15th. This is the astrological phenomenon that turns our gaze backwards to former boos and all the ways they tried to ruin our lives (okay girl??). It’s messy, and hard, and ultimately about coming to a place of peace and forgiveness, so keep your eye on the prize no matter what happens (and if those exes come a callin’, accept the apology and leave the make up sex out of it). This process of healing old wounds won’t be easy though, and that takes me to this month’s real doozy: Not only are both Venus and Mercury in retrograde, Saturn also goes into retrograde this month! AND (yes there’s more), it’s square Venus from the 8th to the 28th (dun dun DUN!). What does this mean? It’s basically like the cosmos have kept a running tab on all the weird, messy karma you’ve incurred over time in the areas of love and money, and now it’s time to write some checks. It’s no fun, but the ultimate cosmic goal is to release you of the karma (aka teach you the lesson you need to learn), so that you won’t have to mess with it again. If you feel overwhelmed, meditation, yoga, or screaming at the top of your lungs are all viable options.


Cha-ching! Cash in, Fish Sister, ’cause you kick off the month cruising through the house of money and possessions. Time to hit the ATM and claim that prize you’ve had your eye on (and if you need help in that department, this, this, and this looker here are all killer options). Enjoy the spree while it lasts, but don’t get used to it. Three major aspects are casting a cloud over April, and you, dear Pisces, are going to be paid an extra special visit (thanks for that, astrology!). It starts with this ongoing Venus retrograde that began in March and will be pushing through till the 15th, the last week of which will be in Pisces. When Venus spins backwards, it brings our former boos into the spotlight–along with all the hell they put us through (I know you got that list of grievances, girl). Because you’ll get the tail end of it, you may feel its effects more powerfully than other signs during that week, so pay attention and remember that the end goal is to help you find closure and forgiveness (NOT to find your way between exes’ sheets–write that down!). On the 9th, we get everyone’s favorite: Mercury retrograde, this one lasting into May and bringing its customary lameness (you know the drill: don’t sign contracts, don’t buy mechanics/electronics, and don’t mouth off–communication meltdowns are especially likely and diplomacy is big-time important). But here’s the real kicker: on the 8th, a retrograding Saturn–already no fun–will square with retrograding Venus (that’s right, in Pisces), and that square will last through the 28th. I’ll break this down: Saturn, planet of hard lessons learned, discipline, and money, will get into a big fight with Venus, planet of love and relationships. When you throw in the retrograde aspect, the result is something like a cosmic IRS calling us with a list of karmic debts around love and money that we need to pay immediately. Again, because Venus will be in Pisces and because you’re already in the house of money, you’ll be feeling the heat more than other signs. I won’t lie to you; it’s a shit storm. So here’s how to weather it: don’t pretend it doesn’t bother you and don’t avoid it. Your M.O. is to hide till the madness passes, but it’s not gonna fly this time. Accept responsibility for the karma, learn whatever lesson you’re meant to learn, and know that if you do, if you really do, you won’t have to relearn it later down the road. And if you start feeling all tragic about things, literally just buy yourself a bikini and nail it to your wall as a constant reminder of good things to come in the very near future.

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