May ’17 Horoscope

Baiiii retrograde drama! May is bringin’ brighter skies and calmer waters–except for that fuckboi zombie apocalypse at the end of the month… that one’s a bitch. Supreme space witch Remy Ramirez tells you how to deal.


Straight from the center of the Nasty Galaxy, supreme space witch, Remy Ramirez, is spillin’ the secrets of the cosmos…

What’s up, birthday bulls?! You’re startin’ the month out strong. That pesky Mercury retrograde that spread doom and destruction last month goes direct on May 3rd (finally!), and on the 15th will move into Taurus. You’ll reap the benefits of Mercury’s brain power orbiting through your sign from then through June 6th, when it moves into Gemini. This is like a little bday prezzie from the cosmos, setting the last half of May up as a great time for you to make longterm, practical decisions (new cutout booties, for example, skirts that show off your panties, or ya know, birthday sequins). Speaking of longterm, Saturn will trine Uranus on May 19th, giving us all a much needed kick in the ass to pursue fulfilling careers that are authentic reflections of who we are and what we love. Star that day, and stay open to any messages that come through then. In weirder news, Venus, planet of boo thangs, will fall into your murky house of secrets, enemies, and the subconscious, and you’re gonna need clear thinking to make sense of it all. This could manifest in multiple ways: someone might profess their love to you outta nowhere, your nemesis might swoop in for a kiss (nemekiss–you heard it here first), or you may find that the true object of your affections shows up in meditation or dreams (like when you have an awkward sex dream about that neighbor you’ve never thought twice about and then suddenly realize you’re kinda in love). On the 10th, the full moon will light up your house of dynamic duos. All things partner-related will get a dose of cosmic mojo, from business partners to life partners (neighbor fever?), so look for ways to buddy up around that date; finding the right one-on-one collabs during this astrological placement can help boost your work status, get your passion projects off the ground, or make you weak in the knees. Things look pretty good for most of the month, but don’t get too comfy. May ends with a supes funky placement: Venus in Aries square Pluto in Cap (your Earth sister). Love gets sneaky, underhanded, and/or borderline stalker-y with this aspect, and because you share Cap’s element, you may feel the energy a bit more. Dark secrets could be revealed, lovers (cough cough fuckbois) may pull some v uncool moves, etc. There are a few magical things you can do to help steer clear of the drama (yes girl, it’s time to use the power of the woo!). Saging yourself  is always a great energy clearing strategy, wearing smoky quartz or carrying it in your pocket will soak up bad vibes before they hit you, and locking yourself in a windowless bunker from the 25th to June is also pretty foolproof. Don’t say I never gave you options.


Hey hey Gem! You’ll be living up to your name this month, with lots of bright and shiny (not to mention frilly) cosmic aspects to keep you buzzing. First off, and to everyone’s relief, Mercury will un-retrograde itself May 3rd (hallelujah!), so whatever drama April brought will subside, and things will start to iron themselves out. Good news because you’ll be circling through the house of secrets, enemies, and the subconscious. It can be a foreboding piece of cosmic real estate wherein skeletons jump out of closets sans warning or your least favorite peeps pull the b.s. you’ve come to hate deeply dislike them for. On the flip side, it can also be about connecting with your own intuition: the guiding voices that keep telling you what to do (and that you keep ignoring bc hustle/happy hour/whatever tf). No excuses this time–should you get any guidance from on high about where to put your focus, pay close attention because Mars will be hanging out in Gemini all month, sending you lots of extra stamina and get-‘er-done vibes. Use this to your advantage by tackling looming projects or taking on new ventures. On May 12th, a glowing cosmic aspect will send you TONS of good starry vibes: Mars in Gemini trine Jupiter in Libra. This is great for getting shit done, creating harmonious outcomes, turning your part-time lover into a full-time boo, and broaching new projects with optimism and vigor (that’s right girl, vigor). Put a star on that day, ma, and while you’re at it, star May 19th. On this day, Saturn will trine Uranus, giving us all an energetic push to find careers that fulfill us and authentically reflect who we are, so whatever cosmic info you get around that date is v important. In terms of boo thangs, Venus will be transiting a house that oversees your crews, from bffs to organizations you belong to (like, maybe that AAA call will lead to a steamy car window moment a la Titanic?). If you’re looking for love, going out with your girls and asking your homies to set you up are also good avenues to take. On the 20th, the Sun will move into your first house, putting you in the spotlight and aggrandizing all that big, fun Gemini energy. This month is like, literally the best ever, Gem, but there is something coming up at the end of May that’s just straight weird. On the 25th, Venus in Aries will square Pluto in Cap, and this will bring out the worst in lying ass fuckbois, stalkers, manipulators–people who are generally incapable of being awesome when it comes to love. Aaaand that same day there’s a new moon in Gemini. What does it mean?? Well, the good news for you is that you don’t share an element with either Aries or Cap. Plus, my sense is that this new moon will actually give you extra powers to ward off bad juju by bringing out your ability to adapt agilely and think on your feet. So more than anything, just be aware that it’s going on so that you can call on that Gem magic if you need to, and on that day, plug into said magic by making a new moon manifestation list of all that you want to usher into your life. Go, Gem, go.


Hey Crab Sister! If last month’s brutal retrograde extravaganza bummed you out, get ready for an upgrade! Venus is direct all month (amen) and Mercury will un-retrograde itself on the 3rd (YASSS), making for much smoother sailing ahead. You’re transiting the house of homies for most of the month, so it’s a great time to reconnect with your crew, hang out in packs, join clubs (gardening meetup anyone?)–anything that involves a group will be extra advantageous for you–and if you need a new look for all these outings, this, that, and this pretty thing right here come highly recommended. On the 10th, a full moon in Scorpio, Cancer’s water sister, will land in your 5th house of joy, pleasure, and creativity. It’s basically the most fun, so mark that date on your cal and plan for something hilarious like a trip to one of those indoor trampoline parks, a lighthearted day of watercolors and wine in the park, or an amusement park adventure with your nieces and nephews. In the love department, Venus will be circling through your house of fame and career reputation. You may find that an admirer slips into your Insta DM (Insta fame def counts!), or that you get noticed by a cutie through accolades at work. It’s a very fun, flirty, and sexy aspect for you Cancer, where love interests who’ve been admiring your work let their crushes be known and your career receives an especially fun and amorous boost. Speaking of, on May 19th Saturn will trine Uranus, giving us all a boost in pursuing fulfilling careers that genuinely reflect who we are. Star that day, and stay open to any messages that come through then. This is all awesome, but Venus isn’t letting any of us out of May without having a good laugh at our expense. On the 25th, Venus in Aries will square Pluto in Capricorn, which will bring out the worst in all love-related scenarios, particularly around cheating, lying, fuckboi-ing, manipulating, and generally failing in the romance department. Not only do we all have to check our own actions and make sure we’re coming 100% correct, we have to be super wary of anyone wrapping a pile of poo in a bow and dropping it off on our doorsteps. NO THANK YOU ‘N FUCK OFF, is the only correct response should this happen, but we’ll need to tap into our x-ray vision to be able to see a situation for what it truly is and react accordingly. A new moon on the 25th (the same day as this funky square) falls into your house of secrets, so you’ll want to be especially alert during this time to ensure that no behind-the-scenes b.s. is going down in the boo arena or any other area in your life. And if it is, well, that’s what those pinchers are for, Crab Babe. Put ’em to good use.


You can all breathe a sigh of relief, Leo Ladies! April’s retrograde smorgasbord of disaster that left a trail of tears in its wake (*shakes fist at sky*) is now OVER! Mostly. Venus is now direct, and Mercury will also station direct on May 3rd (and not a moment too soon), which means way less drama this month and lots more reasons to get out and party (here are a few more, just in case). You’re transiting the house of career and status most of the month, which is even more reason to celebrate. Unless some leftover retrograde vibes step in and spoil the party (possible, but not probable), this will likely bring an extra serving of sparkly mojo to your work-sphere this month. Between the 5th and 20th is a great time to ask for a raise, meet with a new client, give your elevator pitch to that potential investor, etc., and you may find yourself getting noticed by higher ups who love what they’re seein’ and are happy to get on your team.  To help with these vibes, Saturn in Sagittarius will trine Uranus in Aries on May 19th, giving us the added energy we need to seek out careers that genuinely fulfill us. And since both signs involved in this aspect are fire signs like you, you’ll get an extra boost, so put a star next to that day! On the 10th, a full moon in Scorpio will land in your house of home. Scorpio carries a sexy and introspective energy, and the house of home is about stability, consistency, and your literal house. The combination may lead to a need for some quality stay-at-home sexy time with bae around that date, or even finding that you want a more meaningful, secure way of expressing your sexuality. The latter wouldn’t surprise me because Venus, planet of love and relationships, is sitting in your house of higher knowledge all month. This could drive you to think about the big picture when it comes to love, about how to connect your sexuality to your spirituality–which could mean an overhaul in the love department (e.g. bai Tinder, hello gainfully employed tech nerd your aunt keeps telling you about). On the complete other hand, it may also mean that you shack up with a hottie from overseas, as this house also controls foreign affairs and travels. (Note: if you’re traveling this month, def stay on alert for resident cuties–the cosmos are down.) One note of warning about this month: May 25th is a supes weird day when you should totes not hook up with anyone. Venus in Aries (your Fire Sister) will square Pluto in Cap, bringing out the literal worst that romance has to offer, namely: jealousy, manipulation, dishonesty, cheating, and all things fuckboi. Steer clear of the drama, Lady Lions! Appeal to that innate Leo sense of integrity and good, and don’t accept anything coming atcha at a lesser vibration.

The grind is so last month, Virgo. Not only will the insanity of April’s retrograde cataclysm of gloom come to a close on May 3rd when Mercury FINALLY stations direct (following suit after Venus, who went direct mid-April), but you’re also orbiting the 9th house of higher mindedness and big-picture thinking. This is awesome! With two major retrogrades behind you, you can now change your focus from the past to the path in front of you. And with the 9th house in your corner, you’ll have your sights set on all the fabulous places that path is going to take you. This can be literal (planning or taking overseas trips often happens with this placement) or more abstract, i.e. assessing your overall life goals to see whether your current day-to-day is in alignment with achieving those dreams. (Like, if you want to boss babe it up but you’re out there without any hustle, it’s time to make some serious changes.) To help you out with this, Saturn will trine Uranus on the 19th, giving us all the boost we need to seek out fulfilling careers that are true reflections of who we are, so put a star next to that day. A full moon in Scorpio on the 10th will fall into your house of communication. Scorpio energy is about celebrating the darkness, what Jung would call the “shadow self.” Bjork has a lot of Scorpio in her chart, as did Sylvia Plath and Jeff Buckley, if that gives you an idea. Communicating that intensity is supes powerful, as long as you’re totally willing to own it–no apologies. Harness that dynamic energy by expressing all of yourself (through art or in any conversations that come up), joyfully claiming your emotional complexity, and demanding boundaries that allow you to thrive in your fullness. Scorpio energy will not be denied, condescended to, or generally fucked with in any way, so get ready to unleash some unprecedented realness on your world (YAS GIRL THIS IS THE BEST). Speaking of Scorpio, Venus will be sitting pretty in your house of death, rebirth, and sexy times, ruled by–you guessed it–Scorpio. Scorp happens to be the most sexual sign in the zodiac (it rules the genitals, so…), which means you’ll wanna prepare yourself for a major amp in libido (translation: minis, maxis, and these beauties right here will def come in handy). Because of Scorpio’s complex nature, you may find that the ole bump ‘n grind isn’t doing it for you, and as a result turn that sexual energy toward something more emotionally satisfying. There’s also a tendency to fixate on boo thangs in this placement, so be careful that you don’t confuse love with a fleeting obsession. On the 25th, Venus in Aries will square Pluto in Capricorn, your Earth Sister. The result will be a v nasty cosmic upset in the love department that goes to the bottom of the cosmic barrel and pull’s up a bunch of ish no one is tryin’ to be about: jealousy, manipulation, cheating, dishonesty–like, fuckbois are gonna be THRIVING that week. Just say NO, Virgo! Use that bullshit barometer y’all are known for, and call a spade a spade. Ain’t nobody got time for that nonsense, and that includes you.


It’s smoother waters ahead, Libra ladies! And though that isn’t saying much after last month’s retrograde meltdown madness, May really does have some awesome aspects awaiting you, Air Sister. To start, the cosmos cut us all a break with Mercury stationing direct on May 3rd (YAS)–cutting way down on drama. You’ll be circling a house that oversees all things sexy, and with the sun in sensual Taurus, it’s time to go full steamy ahead–zero mojo FOMO for you. When you’re not being a boss babe in the bedroom, take some time to look inward; the house of sexy is also the house of inner transformation, which means you could find yourself pushing through into new emotional territory and discerning what has been working in your life and what you’re ready to leave by the wayside for something even better. A full moon on the 10th falls into your house of money and possessions, so get ready to ca$h in! If there’s something you’ve been drooling over (ahem), that’s the time to make it yours. On May 12th, a glowing cosmic aspect will send you TONS of good starry vibes: Mars in Gemini trine Jupiter in Libra. This is great for getting shit done, creating harmonious outcomes, turning your part-time lover into a full-time boo, and broaching new projects with optimism and vigor (that’s right girl, vigor). Put a star on that day, ma. Also star May 19th, when Saturn will trine Uranus. It’s sort of like a Red Bull to your ability to pursue a career you genuinely love and find fulfilling, so keep an eye out for messages that come through then. In love land, romance is lookin’ good this month as well. Venus, who has also stationed direct, will be cruising through your house of marriage and partnerships. If you’re looking to get your romantic commitment on, this is a v good time for that. This house also oversees business partnerships and advantageous connections (a mentor getting you in the door somewhere you’ve always wanted to work, for example), so emit some of that Libra charm you’re known for, and let it guide you into some awesome collabs. So far, you’re basically having the best month ever, and that very well may be the end of the story for you, Libra, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t warn you about a funky aspect going down on the 25th: Venus in Aries square Pluto in Capricorn. It shouldn’t hit you too hard since you don’t share elements with Cap (Earth) or Aries (Fire), but when major oppositions like this go down, no one is totally safe, so def be on the lookout for any bullshit in the fuckboi department, as this aspect brings out the worst that romance has to offer. This includes but is not limited to: lying, manipulating, cheating, stalking, and generally sucking at love. As the zodiac’s peace-lover, you are particularly susceptible to this nonsense, as you sometimes find it hard to stand up for yourself if you think it will hurt someone’s feelings. But guess what? It’s time to put on those big girl panties! Should any of this trash head your way, be like, “HELL. NO. THERE’S THE DOOR.” Literally that’s the only appropriate response, Libra. And if you need to break down and cry it out afterwards, that’s what homies are for.


High five, Scorp! You survived April, and what an asshole month it was. May is bringing you brighter days, starting with some cosmic mellowing; namely, Mercury will un-retrograde itself on the 3rd of the month, joining Venus who stationed direct mid-April. With those two major planets focusing forward, you’ll have much smoother sailing ahead of you. This is awesome because you’re circling the house of marriage and partnership for most of the month. If you’ve been wanting to get that cutie on lock, now is a great time to make it happen (and this, this, and this are great ways to make it happen). This house isn’t always about romance though; it can cover all kinds of partnerships. With the sun in Taurus, there’s an air of stability and loyalty in the cosmos, so the likelihood is that any duo you form during this time will have strong, rooted foundations–aka go for it! On the 10th, you get a big fat astrological smooch in the form of a full moon in Scorpio–YAS GIRL. This will draw out and allow you to fully revel in your most archetypal Scorpio qualities: depth, complexity, discernment, sexuality, intimacy, and transformative powers. (Low vibration Scorpio qualities include jealousy, extreme distrust, manipulation, and vengeance–so pump the brakes if you feel any of those doozies comin’ on.) Full moons also bring our efforts to fruition, so this is an awesome time for you Scorpios to pop the champs as you finalize projects and Girlboss it up. A Saturn/Uranus trine on May 19th will add to this vibe, calling us all to make big changes in our careers so that we can be authentic in our work lives and make money doing what we really love–keep an eye out for insights there! In terms of your love prospects this month, Venus will be sittin’ pretty in your house of work. Keep an eye out for a spark with potential love interests at the office–so long as HR says it’s cool, there’s no reason not to lock lips with that hottie from Finance after hours. Another way this transit could manifest is by falling in love with your work. A passion project might take center stage for you during this time, or you might find yourself loving the fuck out of your day job suddenly (holla!). I wish I could tell you that that’s the end of the story this month, but there is one super funky aspect at the end of May that we all need to be aware of: Venus in Aries square Pluto in Cap. This bummer of an astro-showdown will bring out everything we hate about dating: the lying, the two-timing, the manipulating–basically all the things that suck about being involved with a fuckboi are going to be on the menu big time around that day. Luckily for you, Water Mama, you don’t share an element with either Aries (Fire) or Cap (Earth), so you won’t feel the effects quite as much. Still, it’ll be in the air, so put on those no-bullshit glasses Scorpios are famous for, and x-ray vision your way through the nonsense. If you detect even the slightest transgression–kick ’em to the curb. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


Happy May, Archer Sisters! And a happy month it is–especially compared to last month’s nutso retrograde insanity. We all get a break from the drama on the 3rd when Mercury stations direct (bai retrograde!! don’t let the door hit ya on the ass), joining Venus, who went direct in April. You’ll be transiting the house of work and health, and with those retrogrades in the past, it’s a good time to take a breather and think big picture about your future as a Girlboss. Here are some helpful questions to get you started: 1. Do you fucking love what you do to make money? 2. Is there something you’d rather be doing? 3. Do you feel bummed or stressed when you think about going to work? 4. If you got hit by a bus tomorrow, what’s the one thing you wish you would have done beforehand? 5. Are you eating obscene amounts of ice cream as a means of emotional survival?
I’ll just let that last one sink in for a minute.
Emotional health is SO important, Fire Babe, and if you’re not in love with what you do every day (i.e. work), or at least in serious like, it’s going to have emotional repercussions, which will eventually lead to to physical repercussions. But maybe you don’t know what you want to do? Sagittarius loves to learn, discover, move around, and sometimes the thought of sticking to one thing sounds like its own form of torture (pro tip: if that’s the case, that info is invaluable in guiding you to a career made up of all kinds of fun and diverse things!). To help you get clear on what it is you want out of this crazy, cosmic life, a full moon on the 10th will land in your house of the subconscious. Check in with yourself! Meditate, journal… meditate again, listen to one of those YouTube vids about connecting with your purpose–whatever. And take the messages that comes through v seriously. There will be a *really* good aspect to help you with this process on May 19th: Saturn in Sagittarius trine Uranus in Aries. This is like the cosmic jackpot for you in terms of actively making career changes in order to live a more authentic and fulfilling life, so stay open to all the goings on around that time. On the love front, Venus is circling your house of creativity, play, and pleasure. Woohoo! This is a great time to flirt (and these, this, and that are great things to flirt in). The energy is lighthearted, friendly, and sweet–not good for longterm love, but v promising if you’re down for a part-time boo, so get those lashes battin’. The month ends with a bit of a curveball: Venus in Aries square Pluto in Cap. Honestly? Woof. With the amount of lying, cheating, stalking, and manipulation this aspect is tryin’ to bring into the open, it’s basically like a full moon in fuckboi. You Sagittarians are honest to a fault, so it’s sometimes hard for you to understand deceit. Just know that it’s out there, girl, and if it should worm its stupid way into your path toward the end of the month, feel free to use that honest-to-a-fault communication method you’re known for, and tell the dummy behind it to eat a fat D. Yeah I said it.


Time to let loose, Cap! The planets have willed it so. After last month’s monster bummer retrograde extravaganza (so. many. retrogrades.), the cosmos are asking you to take a breather. Venus has stationed direct, and Mercury will follow suit on the 3rd. Meanwhile, you’re circling the house of pleasure, play, creativity, and general awesomeness, and this means you need to let go and just have a good time. You Earth Babes are generally super focused on bringing in that ca$h flow and like, organizing your laundry room or whatever–and that’s cool (no one likes a messy laundry room)–but right now it’s time to put your feet up and relax. To help you with that, a full moon on the 10th will light up your house of friendships–this is so great alongside the house of pleasure and play! Round up your crew and hit that happy hour, craft night, or roller rink (this, this, and that will help prep your vibes). Or like, literally all of the above. The jobby job will be there when you come back to it later in the month. In the love department, Venus in Aries is circling your house of domesticity, family, and stability. What a cray combo! Venus in Aries is driven by passion, PDA, excitement, while the 4th house has an energy of routine, predicability, security, and surrounds home life. This is putting lots of heart eye emojis around your pad, and you may find that the dichotomy brings both an upbeat and peaceful energy to your home. “Home” can have a figurative meaning in astrology, often translating to your forever home: you. With that in mind, this might also be a month of srs self-love for you Cap Babes, a time when you learn to love the less reliable, more whimsical aspects of your nature. This all sounds really fun and like, full of party poppers, but there are a couple difficult aspects in your chart that we need to talk about. Pluto went retrograde in Capricorn toward the end of last month, and will ride that wave till the end of September (i.e. all of this month). I see a lot of varying Capricorn personalities, but the one uniting thread I see in Caps is a need for control, whether it be of your physical surroundings, work environment, home life, emotional vulnerability–or all of those. Pluto retro. in Cap is going to throw a wrench in that, girl, and though it’s gonna make you feel uncomfortable af, it’s necessary for your growth. This is a time to look inward and figure out what it is that drives that need to be in charge (spoiler: fear), go to that place, and apply a serum. No lie: THIS IS NOT FUN. It’s emotional and psychic surgery, and will hit a nerve. The fact that you’ll be in the 5th house (letting go of control to have fun), and have Venus in Aries in the 4th house (letting go of predicability in your home and life) will only add fuel to the fire. Do your best to relax into whatever comes up: breathe, meditate, journal, and call your girls when it feels overwhelming (as opposed to isolating). If you can learn to trust that you’re always safe and supported by the Universe, you’ll be able to draw in a way more magical kind of life than anything you could ever create with you alone at the steering wheel. One last supes weird thing: on May 25th, Venus in Aries squares Pluto in Cap, which will bring out the worst in fuckbois everywhere. It reveals the lying, cheating, manipulating, stalking, and general shit behaviors that can accompany romance. Because Pluto’s in Cap, you may receive an extra dose of this nonsense. Be on the lookout, and if anything effed should arise, kick that sucker to the curb, girl.


Phew! How ya doin’ after April’s retrograde insanity, Aquarius? It was basically retrograde fascism. We were like, “We vote no drama,” and the cosmos were like, “Your desires are meaningless; here are four retrogrades at once.” But you made it through, girl! And things are calming right down for you (point: Democracy!). Venus went direct last month, and Mercury will do the same May 3rd, which will give everyone a much needed break from all the mayhem that such an intense backward focus brought. You’re transiting the 4th house of home, family, and domesticity, which is totes a low-key position–especially with the Sun in Taurus. Taurus is stable, calm, determined, and loves to luxuriate in the finer things, and that energy will bring mellow vibes to your pad, along with v pretty and indulgent upgrades (like this closet upgrade… or this one… or this one right here). It’s like your domestic sphere is going to the spa. As if that weren’t enough, the 10th will bring a Scorpio full moon into your house of fame, career, and reputation. This is awesome! Look for a career breakthrough, whether that be through a ton of referrals that land you new clients, a raise, a new position–these are all common with this placement. Scorpio energy is transformative, deeply powerful, and even intimidating, so be aware that a career breakthrough in this sign may bring you much bigger changes than you might have expected, but with many good returns. This will be strengthened by a Saturn/Uranus trine on May 19th, which will call us to make big changes in our careers so that we can be totally authentic and do what we love most (baiii grind!). As far as sexy time is concerned, Venus will be hanging out in Aries in your house of communication, quick trips, and siblings. Obviously, siblings are out (unless they’re having babies and making you an aunt–Venus loves babies!). Otherwise, this energy will likely be about talking things through in your closest relationships and drawing strong boundaries (Aries doesn’t put up with literally anything). Sometimes (read: always) our closest relationship is with ourselves, and the boundaries we need to set are internal, so be aware of where you need more structure and stability in your relationships with others and with yourself, and be brave in standing up for exactly what you need to thrive. If it feels wonky at any point, get your day trip on for a little R&R, ’cause this house loves that kind of thing, too! The month ends with a wonky aspect that’s basically the worst: Venus in Aries square Pluto in Cap on May 25th. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This is like a full moon in fuckboi–everything that sucks the most about dating, e.g. cheating, lying, head games, creepy ass stalking–it’ll all be out like it’s a damn Halloween party. Like, shameless AF. Like, you’ll be all, “What the hell are you supposed to be?,” and it’ll be like, “I’m Emotional Manipulation, DUH.” Gurl, no. Tell that b.s. it needs to go back to whatever crack in the human condition it crawled out of and move on with your life for good.


Hey Fish Mamas! Let’s just all have a collective sigh of relief that April, with its ridiculous retrograde bordello of doom, is now a thing of the past–and you, one of the two signs hit the hardest–survived! May is bringing much calmer waters, starting with Mercury un-retrograding itself on May 3rd, following suit after Venus, who went direct last month. You’ll be circling the house of communication, which is good practice for any sign, but especially for you, Water Sister. Pisces’ tendency is to avoid confrontations–which often just ends in blow ups from bottling your feelings for so long or like, ghosting people ’cause you’d rather just not deal. With stubborn, willful Taurus influencing this house, you may discover a strength in your communication, a confidence and unwillingness to be pushed around. This is awesome! My only word of warning here is that Taurus’ communication style can err on the exact opposite end of the spectrum from Pisces, often coming across as intolerant or uncompromising. It’s great (and necessary) to have healthy boundaries, but be careful that your newfound resolve doesn’t become you just giving yourself permish to be a dick (as good as it may feel in the moment). On the 10th, a full moon in your water sister, Scorpio, will land in your house of overseas travel and big-picture life philosophies. If you have plans to jet set or have been thinking about buying a ticket to somewhere new–that’s the perfect time to make it happen. If the effect has a greater influence on your life philosophy, be aware that Scorp has a transformative, intense energy about it, and this influence may inspire you to manifest big, course-altering plans about what it is you really want from your time on this planet. To help you out with this, Saturn will trine Uranus on May 19th, pushing us to make lasting changes toward a fulfilling career that authentically reflects who we are. Circle that day on your cal, and stay open to any messages you receive around that time–this is big stuff! In the love department, Venus will be transiting the house of possessions… which doesn’t sound that sexy, but is actually pretty legit when it comes to romance. This house has a practical, stabilizing effect in love, and can leave you with a strong sense that feeling secure in a partnership is most important; chaos and unpredictability are not options. If that’s the case–don’t fight it. Commitment can be scary, but also v rewarding. This transit may have a more literal effect, however, and necessitate the need for you to consider how you show up in gift-giving. With its emphasis on possessions, this house has a tendency to make people want to give lavishly–so long as they get something in return. True generosity is about the joy of sharing your abundance–not keeping tabs. If you feel an impulse to spoil someone, check in and make sure you won’t feel resentful if you don’t get hooked up in return. If you think you will, put that cc away, turn around, and walk out the door. Speaking of dramatic exits, the month ends with some serious bullshit, and I’m gonna tell you straight ’cause I gotchu. Venus squares Pluto on May 25th, and it’s basically like a pride parade for fuckbois. They’re gonna be out there flying flags and riding floats and shit because this energy brings out the worst dating has to offer: lying, cheating, head games, being hella creepy–you get it. If any of that nonsense comes your way, just channel your inner Nancy Sinatra and get those boots a-walkin’. No boots? I gotchu there, too.


Sup Aries?! First, let me be the first to congratulate you on surviving one of the most effed retrograde periods, like, ever–during your birthday month! You’re officially a pro at life. Vibes are going to mellow out quite a bit now, since Mercury in Aries will go direct on May 3rd, following suit after Venus (also in Aries), who went direct last month (AMEN). This means you have both Mercury AND Venus direct and on your side in May–Mercury till the 14th and Venus for the whole month. YAS! This is awesome for brainstorming and intellectual pursuits (Mercury’s assets), and for sexy vibes and romance (Venus’ territory)–so get out there and start flirting (you don’t need me to tell you that, Aries, but just know that it comes with the blessings of the cosmos this month). This Venus/Mercury conjunction will have an overall harmonizing effect on your chart, giving you an added ability to be fair and smooth over sticky situations, write and speak eloquently, and attract witty partners. So it’s basically awesome. In other astro-news, you’re cruising through the 2nd house this month, which is about bling and ca$h money–holla! With Taurus influencing this placement, a sign that loves to indulge in the finer things, you may find that you’re hittin’ that ATM like whoa and adding to your artillery of cute shit in a real way (not to tempt you, but also… totally to tempt you…). A full moon in Scorpio on the 10th lands in your house of secrets, enemies, and the subconscious. This house is actually overseen by Scorpio, so you may feel the effects even stronger. Keep an eye out for hidden information coming into the open or potentially harmful gossip–these are associated with this house. The element of the subconscious underscores a need for meditation and dream journaling. It’s a time when your intuition will thrive if given an expressive outlet, so be sure to check in with yourself even more than usual around the 10th, and write down any ideas or messages that come through. Randomly, this house also has an abundance aspect, as it oversees other people’s money–things like inheritances and loans. Since the sun is circling your house of money and possessions already, you might see a sweet check come through as a result of this full moon. So in other words: shit is dope, yay for May, bai April. I wish I could tell you that was all you had going on this month, but a v lame aspect caps off the month, and you’re one of the two signs that will be hit the hardest: Venus in Aries squares Pluto in Cap on May 25th. It’s basically like the fuckboi zombie apocalypse, the day when fuckbois shall inherit the earth. This aspect brings out everything that sucks about dating: lying, cheating, head games, creepy ass stalking–it’s the worst. Mark that day on your cal, and if any shit behaviors should surface, literally be like, “I’m not that girl who runs screaming into the house with tons of windows knowing full well the zombies can just break through the windows and eat my face; I’m that girl who figures out how to operate a helicopter, flies the fuck off Zombie Fuckboi Island, and lives nastily ever after.”