What I Learned From Crashing Camp

Who says camp is for kids? At Camp No Counselors, you get to capture the flag and wear the kewt lewks–all while sipping a handle of Malibu. I came, I saw, I crushed on some dude in the cabin next door, and this is what I found out.

By Remy Ramirez

1. YOGA GOATS DON’T NOT SHIT

Like, just because they feel awesome on your back and are so fucking cute and totally make you want to move to Nebraska and buy a goat farm doesn’t mean they don’t shit. On you. Mid-pose. That’s the bad news. The good news is that they shit little pellet balls that just roll off so it’s still kind of cute. Unless you move your hand to change poses and squish the pellet balls under your palm. Also–can we talk about goat yoga? Whoever came up with that idea is kind of gross but mostly a genius.

YOU GOAT, GURL.

2. THE ART OF THE SURPRISE ATTACK

Listen. We’ve tried smashing the patriarchy with laws, with corporate policy, with public humiliation (Matt Lauer’s rest-of-life walk of shame: epic), but like–how good is our archery game? As you can see from this photo of my practice round, mine improved notably in just three tries. Look, I’m not saying we should get medieval on misogyny, but I’m also not not saying that.

LITERALLY SLAYING… A HAY BAIL, BUT STILL.

3. BEER PAIRS GREAT WITH EVERY MEAL

Don’t be fooled by puritanical social mores–it’s perfectly respectable to have a beer with breakfast. After all, it’s made with wheat and barley, so it’s basically liquid oatmeal. Also, double fisting a High Brew and a Corona is recommended just before activities that demand lots of energy but like, a questionable lack of concern for bodily wellbeing, e.g. a v competitive dodgeball match.

GLUG.

4. HELMETS MAKE KILLER ACCESSORIES

Especially if your bangs do weird shit like mine do. And also if you’re about to swing out of a tree on a zip line and almost kick some poor girl in the head on your landing. Bet she wished she had a helmet! JK jk, she was cool.

HELMETS: GET AHEAD OF THE TREND.

5. HUMANS LIKE WINE. LLAMAS LIKE CARROTS AND ALSO FINGERS MAYBE.

The best thing about going away to camp is the opportunity to immerse oneself in nature, to commune with wildlife and learn its ways. This was also true of adult camp. Take for instance the wine safari we went on: not only did we observe the behaviors of giraffes, zebras, and bison, we also got pretty buzzed off of some killer cabs in the process. As you can imagine, this created a heightened sense of camaraderie with our newfound furry friends. In my case, I felt particularly moved to feed Obama Llama (pictured below) a handful of carrots and also some fingers! Mr. Llama was all, “Yo, those fingers taste weird, kinda not down.”

MERE MOMENTS BEFORE ENTERING INTO A SRS BONDING MOMENT WITH OBAMA LLAMA.

Naturally, I needed more wine to get clear on whether I had reached a new level of intimacy with Obama Llama or had been outright rejected (wine safaris are a lot like dating, turns out). When they busted out a bottle of Kendrick Llamá, I took it as a sign. Bonding def went down.

KENDRICK LLAMÁ: THIS YOUR FAVORITE WINE.

6. ALWAYS JOIN THE RED TEAM

I mean, it’s just the right thing to do. They’re always more badass than green or yellow, and they coordinate their bandanas. Let’s get a high-five tunnel for the red team!

GO RED! EXCEPT IN POLITICS – DEF NOT SEXY. BUT RED EVERYTHING ELSE IS A GO.

7. THROW CONFETTI

It may land in your champagne, but fuck it. It’s sparkly, and that’s literally all that matters. Plus there’s a direct correlation in the confetti-to-fun ratio (sexy math), and if that’s not what camp is all about, then you’re going to the wrong camp, my dudes.

PRO-TIP: AFTER ENOUGH CHAMPAGNE, YOU DON’T EVEN NOTICE THAT YOU’RE SWALLOWING CONFETTI. BOTTOMS UP!

Wanna go? Check out Camp No Counselors here to get signed up.

Photos by Brittany Moser and Remy Ramirez.

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