A Few Things Steak Learned So You Don’t Have To


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I just had a birthday and while I’m not exactly sure when your mid 20s ends (and my insecurities keep me from Googling it ), I feel like my time might be running short. They tell you that your teenage years are unlike anything else, and yeah, I guess they’re right. I’ll never be a snot-nosed, pubescent, tangled mess navigating high school again but really that sentence puts waaayyyy too much weight on your teens when it’s in your 20s that your life actually begins to take shape. Here are a few things that I learned in my twenties so you don’t have to.


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The Bar

– Relationships that you have before you’re bar legal are not usually relationships you’ll continue after your ID actually scans. Being allowed inside the bar opens up a giant dating pool. You’re now subject to getting hit on by people of all ages, and that is a good and bad thing. The trick to navigating that is to make dates while your drunk, but establish relationships during the daylight hours.

– You and your girlfriends are going to fight. Alcohol brings out an ugly side in all of us so you should start learning your tolerance now. Just because someone buys you a drink doesn’t mean you have to finish it.

– Always tip at least a dollar per drink, more if you wanna make friends. Speaking of friends, always be nice to the bartender. In fact, kiss his/her ass.

– When you’re drunk, you’re dumb. Do not call your ex and/or do not blow a paycheck ‘cause “fuck it”. And absolutely do not drive, ever.


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 Health insurance:

-If you are out on your own and that also means off of your parents plan, start working the system

-Planned Parenthood offers birth control for free. They also offer a lot of other services on a sliding scale, which means they adjust the cost depending on your income.

-Every college campus has a mental health specialist. Do not ignore your brain. If you thought your hormones were making you a crazy bitch back in your teens, now pour a 5th of vodka on top of them and see how you operate. Do not ignore your brain health, ever.

– If you are itchy, scratchy, smelly, bumpy, broken, bruised and/ or scraped: type this into your browser right now “(your zip code) free clinic”.

Seriously, people are out here paying taxes and fighting for your rights to use these facilities, so do it and be appreciative. And next time you get a fat tip at your serving job, drop a dollar in the donations bucket so the karma gods are appeased.

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Your Car and its Tickets:

-These are your problem, and that problem escalates quickly.

-Car insurance can be expensive, but it isn’t if you ask the right questions. For example, if you tell the agent if you drive less than 50 miles a day, it should cut at least 1/3 off your bill.

*Story time*
My ex-boyfriend got some tickets on my car and shoved them in the trash. I didn’t find out about this until 6 months after we had split up, when I got pulled over and my car got towed on the spot. I couldn’t bail my car out until I went to court and paid over 800 bucks because the judge doesn’t give a fuck who got the tickets, or who ignored them long enough to incur wild ass fees.  PS: I had to walk around for a week in freezing, rainy weather because who has a G to drop out of the blue at 22? Not me.  And you know what would have happened if I never came up with that money? They could have KEPT my car forever.

If you aren’t the only driver of your vehicle/you’ve gone through a recent break up, you can check the status of your license and car sitch at dmv.com. Doesn’t that sound like a bitch? It is. Life’s a bitch. But it’s a lot cheaper than the alternative.

If you still haven’t gotten the drift here, let me put it this way: You’re never going to evade your tickets, even if that one dude you knew from work somehow scammed his way into never paying one he got three years ago. Pay your tickets the second you get a paycheck, trust meeeeeeee.


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– Shut the flip up.

– Literally. Don’t name drop, don’t brag. Be quiet, throw in some casual jokes, and don’t pride yourself on being the abrasive friend. This is the real world and anyone anywhere can be a possible job opportunity, and that should be your main focus. Oh, and on that tip…stay hungry, not thirsty. Get it?

– Intern. The end.

– Realize that just because you don’t get your first 95 dream jobs, it doesn’t mean you’re nothing. Be as introspective as possible and your weak point should glare right back at you…then work on that

– Don’t fight with your coworkers. The only thing that your boss hates more than coworker conflict is having to MEDIATE CHILDREN HAVING COWORKER CONFLICT.  This is a job not a social group. You’re there to get money, not make besties.

– I guess this is a good time to say that no legitimate anything is going to ask you to take your clothes off, unless that thing happens to obviously profit from girls with their clothes off. Ok, “models”?


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 Relationships and What Not:

– Is it love? Yes. Is it forever? Probably not. Is it an important step in the development of your future self that will eventually find a forever? Absolutely.  Don’t buy a car or a house with that dude until you have some nuptials. PS: try to aim for a human whose mattress has sheets on it (it can be on the floor, ’cause box springs are expensive, but come on…sheets are important).

 – No one is a slut. Stop judging, stop bitching, and keep your eyes on your own prize. This goes for others and yourself. Don’t let anyone shame you and most of all don’t shame anyone else.

 – Quit nursing sick puppies. Not real puppies, but you know, boys that can’t get their shit together. They’ll eventually drive your car and you’ll have to deal with the tickets…amongst way too many other things.


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 Final Steak Notes:

Don’t get a pet you can’t afford indefinitely, quit stressing the fuck out, no one has all the answers, everything is trial and error, you’re not failing unless you’re betraying your own morals, and lastly, make your bed everyday.