Briony Smith breaks down each episode of the Netflix show chronicling Nasty Gal’s beginnings. Because we’re super old school that way.
Welcome to this week’s installment, also known as The Great Wedding Dress Caper! Remember a couple eps back when Sassy Bald Gay Dude listed all the annoying shenanigans that one must contend with as a business owner? The irate customers! The complaints! The returns! The shipping! Consider that foreshadowing, y’all, ‘cause Sophia had one hell of a customer relations snafu to resolve this week to ensure that her eBay rating remains pristine.
The ep opens with a blond bridezilla, clad in a boring AF sadsack wedding gown, bemoaning the fact that the much-preferred Nasty Gal beaded vintage option didn’t arrive in time for her nuptials—and vowing to “fuckin’ tear that Nasty Gal apart.” So how did this all go down?
Cut back to a week ago, when Sophia received said beauteous gown as a return, along with a nasty note claiming that it was sent stained. Sophia calls bullshit—she’d never send out a sullied item—but decides to e-mail the odiously named Ladyshopper99 and offer to get the damn thing dry cleaned and courier it back to the bride in time for the blessed event, even if she didn’t create that stupid stain. (Now that is some serious self-control.) Ladyshopper99 calls back at a grossly inappropriate time: namely, the penultimate moment of the season three finale of The O.C. when [I-WISH-I’D-HAD-THIS-SPOILER-ALERT-BECAUSE-UGH-YES-IT’S-TRUE-I’VE-NEVER-SEEN-THE–O.C.-AND-I-JUST-GOT-THE-FIRST-TWO-SEASONS-GODDAMNIT SPOILER ALERT] Ben carries Marissa’s limp body out of the flaming car wreck. She’s annoyed (“I cannot believe I had a work call during the most significant TV event of our lifetime”) but ready to make it right with this irate customer.
So Sophia secures cleaning at a top-notch dry cleaner (well, allegedly more top-notch than the one run by the dude’s ne’er-do-well brother across the road—but there’s that foreshadowing again!) and lines up a courier, only to find that the dry cleaner is actually trash and has somehow dry cleaned off half the damn beads, and the courier can only come in the morning, which is cutting it rill close to make the weddin’ on time. No task is too small for a girlboss, so Sophia painstakingly sews the beads back on the dress and sweet-talks (reads: threatens with death) the courier into coming for a 7am pick-up.
Unfortch, the dire fridge sitch leads to Sophia taking up her new artist pal Nathan (2016/2017 sitcom twink VIP Cole Escola of Difficult People and Man Seeking Woman) on an offer for a home cooked meal (she lets him into the university even though he can’t afford tuition anymore and/or is a horrible artist).
This leads to a debauched evening chugging wine and dancing in the kitchen with his delightful mom (MAD TV cutie Nicole Sullivan), interspersed by rounds of the knife game and belting out Josh Groban tunes. Good for providing Sophia with a mother figure for a night—we learn this ep that her ma is out of the picture—but bad for getting that damn dress to Marin on time.
Now that the scheduled courier has peaced, Sophia has to race back to her apartment, grab the gown and then speed over the bridge. Problem is, her li’l matte car is still a piece of shit and she has a mysterious fear of bridges. (Not that mysterious, I guess, since I also have a slight fear of bridges. Driving over ‘em? Fine! Fear of heights? Nope! But the idea of walking over certain big-ass bridges gives me the willies and occasional nightmares for some reason. Blame it on The Lost Boys perhaps.) Car breaks down, so she has to hoof it, on foot, over the Golden Gate Bridge. After dithering for a bit, a vision of “EBAY REVIEWS ARE FOREVER” scrolling over the traffic update sign compels her to push through terror and full body cramps and carry the dress aloft, Ben-styles, making the wedding with mere seconds to spare.
And so ends the Great Wedding Dress Caper, in triumph. Take that, Sassy Bald Gay Dude!
BEST OUTFIT OF THE WEEK: I know it’s supposed to just signify daffy free-spirtied mom, but I was actually really feeling Mrs. Nathan’s Mom’s floral silk robe
WORST OUTFIT OF THE WEEK: I was not feeling the bedazzled purple trim Sophia added to it. Imagine someone stumbled out with your shit in a still-wine-drunk-at-9am haze and then returned it covered in jewels?
Other Good Stuff This Week:
-Sophia is still struggling to connect with people, tho. After receiving many quality hugs from Nathan’s mom, she calls papa bear to tell him about her health insurance scam university job and her burgeoning business, and that she misses him, but chickens out and leaves a terse, semi-dark message instead.
-…except her ride-or-die, Annie, who continues to bring the funny as the comedy VIP (along with past ringers Norm Macdonald and RuPaul Charles). Her two lines tied for my favorite this week: “I wish I could say that that was the first time that I accidentally stepped on a baby but—oh, I buried the lead! They opened a Jamba across from my waxer” and, after mentioning marriage options Dax, Buzz Aldrin and Sophia’s dad, “God, I wanna fuck an astronaut so bad.”
-Cole Escola is no slouch, though, as in this exchange during he and Sophia’s first meeting: “I only got this job so I could afford hernia surgery. Like so many other young vibrant women.” “My uncle had a hernia. He’s dead now. Not from the hernia. [whispers] From complications with it.”
-Again, can we get a clapping emoji for the restraint Sophia shows in not reaming out that bitch for the stain scam? Sophia goes class all the way (for once), including an extremely chipper thank-you note with the dress, and not outing the silly wedding planner as the culprit behind the stain (damn you, Diet Coke with lots of lime!).
Want to hear more from Briony? Follow along on her adventures on Twitter and Instagram at @brionycwsmith